A rant on consumption & contradiction
I’m nestled on this far away island consuming more than I need- consumption of material goods, media, processed foods, alcohol, sugar, whatever it may be- it’s more than anyone needs.
I sometimes feel these massive waves of contradiction fall over me- the constant access to consume can overpower my base values, which are to be kind, be creative, connect deeply with nature, and to absolutely say fuck off to capitalistic/patriarchal ways of living. I’m so lucky to be able to live in the places I do and create the unconventional life I have, but with that, there’s this lingering guilt. I care deeply about disrupting systems of power and advocating for the people most affected by them- and sometimes I lose touch with that side of myself because these privileged distractions are so readily available. My sister is an immigration lawyer. She’s actively helping people and inserting herself into a corrupt institution that she promotes real change in. One of my best friends Lily is putting all the energy they have into protesting against the genocide occurring in Gaza- using their voice in a loud & powerful manner. These intelligent, empathetic people in my life are giving themselves to the cause and I couldn’t be more proud. Gives me goosebumps.
I think about what they’re doing while I prance around in the grass & play on my wooden sticks in New Zealand, pondering the ways I could help. I talk shit about the system of capitalism while I over-consume and distract myself from thinking about how I actually feel and what I actually need to do to counteract in my own way. Talking the talk but not walking the walk, I guess that’s the nature of contradiction.
These realizations of guilt and overconsumption always come to me when I’m in nature by myself. Nature always brings me back to my roots, reminding me that to find joy and fulfillment, I need far less than what I have. Today I was taking a walk by the river in Wanaka and found a little sanctuary. I was planning on sitting there for a few minutes to take in the mesmerizing sight of such graceful water, and without noticing, an hour and half had passed. I hadn’t allowed myself to just be in so long, and turns out I had a lot to think about. The movement of the water beside me helped my thoughts begin to flow, and instead of distracting/consuming/indulging, I finally just let it happen.
This past week, I over-consumed in more ways than one. I came out of it feeling drained, out of touch, and to be completely blunt & dramatic about it, like a shell of myself. It’s a pattern, and I realized that if I don’t over-consume and distract constantly, I don’t feel that way. Imagine that! So then once I stop doing that, I create more space for myself to be kind & creative & influential in fucking up the system! Wow!
So once again, I lost myself, panicked, learned & grew, found myself again, and the cycle repeats. I saw this quote when I was collaging the other day, it said “everything is growing and deteriorating so rapidly.” It’s painful & fulfilling & beautiful & fucking impossible, and I’m just here to document it. Cheers.
